


for you are not alone, nor will you ever be. this is not the option.

by bashfulisak



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mentions of overdosing, Overdosing, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 18:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11363544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bashfulisak/pseuds/bashfulisak
Summary: Isak is trying to deal with the low's of Even's bipolar and it's difficult, but if there was one thing they both dreaded the most - it was this.





	for you are not alone, nor will you ever be. this is not the option.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Mentions of depression and overdosing.

Isak knew that another episode was going to happen with Even, but he didn't expect it to be so soon once they moved in with each other. And it happened quickly - drastically - and in the wrong ways. Isak knew it was the right thing to let Even just mope in bed after his high had worn out. He kept the room dark, the curtains closed, but tried to coax him every now and then to eat and sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't but Isak knew it was best to take small baby steps.

It was about the third night and Even had been in bed the whole time, only occasionally getting up to use the restroom but that was it. Isak was trying to whip himself up a dinner of pasta with pesto sauce - which was his favorite meal that Even made him - but he ended up overcooking the noodles and ruining the pesto sauce. Isak let out a groan, the stress in his shoulders bringing him aches and he just sat at the kitchen table, face in his hands as he tried to calm himself. He knew this was hard, but he knew he needed to be strong. Isak gave up, throwing the dishes in the sink and promising himself that he'd wash them in the morning and he shuffled his way into his and Even's room. He crawled into bed next to him, not bothering to pull the duvet over to him as Even had it draped over his head. He just pulled on an extra sweatshirt, turning on his side to face what he wished was Even's face and somehow managed to drift off to sleep

 

Even woke in the middle of the night, his eyes foggy and crusty but his whole body still felt so heavy and weak. He pulled the duvet away from his face and was greeted with the beautiful sight of Isak sleeping next to him, his breathing soft and warm and Even just reveled in it because he lost so much time to do it. He sighed as he rolled over, careful not to disturb Isak's sleep, and he carefully balanced his feet on the bedroom floor and stood, almost falling over as his legs trembled and he winced as he felt how stiff they were as he began to move towards the bathroom. He bit his lip as the door creaked just a bit and Isak stirred in his sleep, but he quickly entered the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. 

Even quickly relieved himself, and once he was finished he took a hard, long look at himself in the mirror just above the sink and he almost screamed at the sight of himself. Tousled, oily hair - deep, dark eyes - sunken in cheekbones. Even couldn't believe what he looked like - and he wasn't even sure if what he was looking at was him. Even sighed, running a hand through his knotted hair and he swallowed nervously, opening the medicine cabinet to reveal his anti-depressants and Isak's sleeping pills. He sighed, a bit of hope igniting in his stomach as he saw the almost-full prescription bottle of Isak's sleeping pills. Even took the anti-depressants, closing the medicine cabinet quietly as he held the bottle in his hand and it was only half full and it ashamed Even to know he was deteriorating like this. His hands shook, his shoulders trembled. He knew this pills didn't help him in the best way, but he was so desperate. So fucking desperate to be happy for Isak so he wouldn't have to look over him. Before Even could catch up with his own mind, he opened the prescription bottle, pouring almost a full palm full of pills into his hand before knocking them back, dry swallowing them and instantly his thoughts caught up with him right then and there. He dropped the bottle that still held pills on the bathroom floor and as he heard them scatter, he dropped to his knees, desperately trying to shove his two fingers down his throat to bring them back up - but he couldn't do it.

His throat lets out a choked sob and Even can't even form the words to yell out for Isak to help him. He can't bring himself to get up from the bathroom floor to go get him, or even bother trying to bring up the pills again. His body feels numb and his head feels foggy and his hands are shaking uncontrollably - and Even's biggest fear in his head right now is dying and Isak finding him like this. All Even can manage is lying back on the cold, hard tile floor of the small bathroom while his breathing picks up pace along with his heartbeat and all he can think about is how fucking stupid he is. _Why would he do this to himself - and to Isak. ___

__

__As Isak stirs, he reaches over an arm to drape over Even but finds the bed empty which alarms him. He shoots upright in bed, looking around the dark room and finds no one - but he sees the bathroom lights streaming from underneath the door leading into the bathroom. He sighs, getting out of bed as just as he places his hand on the doorknob he hears a soft cry from the other side which sends him into a frenzy. He quickly opens the door and he finds Even on the floor, his skin pale and his eyes wide with fear. Isak almost collapses at the sight, and Even's eyes scan him and they show a bit of recognition and Isak just wants to run for help but he knows he can't leave him. He almost slips on the small pills that lay scattered on the floor and finally his mind comes to a conclusion - suicide. Isak chokes out 'fuck' as he quickly leans down beside Even, slipping his arms underneath him to get him to sit up and Isak can already feel the tears burning._ _

__"Baby... what did you do..." Isak manages, sitting Even up against the bathtub. "These pills... why? Baby, _why? _"___ _

____"Isak... I swear..." Even heaves and he turns, grasping the edge of the bathtub hard enough for his knuckles to turn white as he dry heaves as he tries to bring the pills back up but no progress._ _ _ _

____"They're your anti-depressants.. oh, Even, what the fuck did you do?!" Isak tries not to shout but he's so overcome with fear and anger that he doesn't know what to do._ _ _ _

____"I didn't- I wasn't- not trying to kill myself. I wanted to be happy for you-" Even chokes, his throat burning along with his eyes from the pressure of dry heaving and without warning he seems to go almost limp._ _ _ _

____Isak's breath catches in his throat as he watches Even goes limp and he's sobbing so much he can barely see what Even looks like but truth be told he doesn't want to know. He takes a breath, steeling himself as he picks up Even's head and opening his mouth just a little and he doesn't hold back as he shoves his own two fingers deep down into Even's throat and luckily it seems to snap Even back to his senses and finally he throws up the contents that have been sitting in his stomach. Even wretches for minutes, and it hurts Isak to see him in so much pain. Isak feels like his whole soul has been split in two just by watching Even throw up everything he coaxed him to eat days before and then the pills make the scene ten times as worse. Isak can't do anything more than just rub Even's back to comfort him and he can feel his body trembling beneath his fingertips._ _ _ _

____Once Isak feels Even is finished, he stands to turn on the shower to help rinse down the mess into the drain and he eventually coaxes Even into getting a hot shower. Isak's arms are weak and aching, but he manages to help Even stand and step him into the shower once he's undressed. The warm water eases up Even's muscles a bit and he just stands under the water as Isak cleans up the mess left behind on the floor from the pills. He puts them all back into the prescription bottle and back into the medicine cabinet before pulling a towel from the closet. He runs down to throw it in the dryer for a minute or two, anxiety churning his insides as he stands down in the wash room as Even is in the shower by himself. Finally, the towel is just warm enough for Isak to be satisfied as he rushes back to their flat and into the bathroom where he finds Even in the same position he has been. He sighs, undressing himself and then stepping into the shower. Even opens his eyes but doesn't say anything as Isak puts some body wash in the palm of his hand and Even just lets him clean him and it's so calming - the feel of Isak's hands roaming his skin and the smooth body wash. Isak braces his hands on either side of Even, switching spots with him in the shower so he can wash off the soap suds._ _ _ _

____Isak finishes up washing up Even and his hair before stepping out of the shower, not bothering to try off as he slips on his sweats he wore earlier and he takes the still warm towel and Even takes it from his hands, quickly drying himself before changing into the pair of clothes Isak had set out for him. Isak's head is pounding and his ears are burning from the tears earlier but Even's face is blank as Isak tries to speak, "We should get you to a doctor."_ _ _ _

____"Isak-"_ _ _ _

____"No. We need to get you to see a doctor," Isak bites his lip, the pain edging away the tears that are threatening to spill over again. "I can... call an ambulance. I have no way of getting you there myself."_ _ _ _

____And so he does, Even sitting on the bed and clutching his stomach, wincing and Isak can't stand seeing him like this. He explains the situation to the operator and they dispatch an ambulance to arrive and all Isak can do while he's waiting is sit next to Even on their bed, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face into his shoulder as the paramedics find their way to their apartment and by that time, they're trembling from fear of just the thought of losing one another and all the paramedics can do is gingerly ask questions while they head down the stairs, guiding Isak and Even carefully and by the time they get to the hospital, Even is whisked away to get his stomach pumped despite how much he vomited and Isak stays in the waiting room, staring at the clock periodically and Isak knows he can't forget this - this was too much and he was too close to losing the love of his life. He couldn't possibly handle losing Even to anything. Isak waits patiently, his hands folded in his lap and time is an agony but finally the doctor comes to call him in to see Even and it takes everything Isak has not to collapse into a puddle of tears as he sees Even lying in the pure white hospital bed, somehow managing a soft smile which Isak can only gratefully return._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____When they leave the hospital the morning after, all they think about doing is crawling into bed, holding each other in their arms as tightly as they can and they both let a few tears slip in the moment but all they can care about is the minutes they're together and not separated and Isak couldn't be more determined to never let anything go this far - his heartaches as Even finds sleep next to him, his breathing soft and quiet and Isak just runs his fingers through his hair because the other night, he didn't even get a chance to hold him but now it seems too much to handle._ _ _ _

____But he has him - and won't let go of him._ _ _ _


End file.
